About Anger
Anger is not the problem. What we do with it is.
A few days ago, I was talking with Beata, an inspiring colleague at work, about anger. It is one of those topics that rarely appears on leadership agendas, yet it shapes countless decisions, conversations, and relationships every single day. During our discussion, Beata reminded me of a story from The Courage to Be Disliked, a book inspired by the psychology of Alfred Adler.
The story completely changed the way I think about anger.
Imagine a man shouting at his wife. His emotions are running high, and he appears fully consumed by rage. Then the phone rings. On the other end is an important client. Instantly, his voice changes. He becomes calm, polite, and professional. A few minutes later, he hangs up and continues the argument exactly where he left off.
The story raises an uncomfortable question: if anger had truly taken control of him, how was he able to switch it off the moment the client called?
Adler’s answer is both simple and unsettling. Anger is often not an uncontrollable force that overwhelms us. More often than we would like to admit, it is a tool. We can put it aside when it no longer serves our purpose, and we can pick it up again when we believe it does.
For leaders, this idea challenges one of our favorite assumptions. We tend to explain our reactions through personality, circumstances, pressure, or past experiences. We tell ourselves that we are simply responding to reality. Adler suggests something different. People are not primarily driven by their past; they are driven by the goals they pursue.
That shift changes everything.
💡Instead of asking, “What happened to me?” Adler encourages us to ask, „What am I trying to achieve through this behavior?”
The distinction matters. In leadership, it is easy to hide behind familiar narratives: I have a short temper. This is just who I am. My previous environment taught me that people only respond to toughness. With a team like this, there is no other way.
Yet these explanations often remove responsibility. They suggest that our reactions are inevitable rather than chosen.
One of the most provocative ideas in the book is that anger frequently serves as a means of controlling others. It grabs attention. It creates urgency. It gets people moving.
In the short term, it works.
But leadership is not about winning a moment. Leadership is about building something that lasts.
People may comply when confronted with anger, but they become less willing to contribute ideas, challenge assumptions, or share difficult truths. Over time, they stop focusing on the bigger picture and start focusing on avoiding the next emotional outburst.
Trust slowly erodes. Adler offers another idea that resonates deeply with me. He describes life as a flat playing field. Some people are further ahead. Some are behind. Everyone moves at a different pace. Yet no one stands above anyone else.
The goal is not superiority. The goal is growth.
True leadership is not about proving that we are better than others. It is about taking the next step ourselves while helping others do the same.
When I think about the best leaders I have worked with, they were rarely the loudest people in the room. They were the ones who kept their eyes on the North Star. They knew what they were really after. They understood the one thing they cared about most and refused to let temporary emotions distract them from their end goal.
Especially when things became difficult.
When teams are in the thick of it, deep in the build, putting in the hours with heads down and operating in full grind mode, emotional discipline becomes one of the most underrated leadership capabilities.
Because this is often where progress happens.
Not during the applause.
Not after the promotion.
Not when the world finally notices.
Progress happens when nobody is watching. When we keep showing up consistently. When we learn from real-world experiences. When we build a track record one decision at a time.
And then, seemingly overnight, we reach an inflection point.
Something starts taking off.
This is the moment it clicks.
A turning point.
Something is shifting.
The work becomes more seamless. There is less friction. What once felt impossible suddenly feels natural. It just works.
From the outside, people call it success.
From the inside, we know it was built through hundreds of small choices that nobody saw.
Including the choice of how we respond when anger appears.
Adler also argues that a healthy life rests on two foundations: becoming self-reliant and living harmoniously with others. Supporting these goals are two essential beliefs: I am capable and other people are my companions.
That second belief may be one of the most important lessons for leaders.
Other people are not obstacles. They are not threats. They are not opponents.
They are companions on the journey.
Perhaps this is where anger most often leads us astray. In moments of frustration, we stop seeing people as partners and start seeing them as problems.
The quality of our leadership changes the moment that happens.
The next time you feel anger rising, try asking a different question.
Not, “Why am I angry?”
But, “What am I hoping to achieve through this emotion?”
The answer may reveal more than you expect. And perhaps that brings me to a thought often repeated by Jacek Walkiewicz polish Psychologist, speaker and mentor:
“What difference does it make?”
It is a deceptively simple question.
Will this argument matter in a year?
Will this emotional reaction move the mission forward?
Will this moment help build the future we are working toward?
Most leadership challenges feel enormous when we are standing in the middle of them. Yet when viewed from a greater distance, many of them fade into the background.
What remains is not the anger.
Not the frustration.
Not even the conflict.
What remains is the impact we had on people, the trust we built, and whether we stayed true to the bigger picture.
Because in the end, leadership is not about winning every battle.
It is about making sure we are fighting for something that truly matters.
My previous article based on the book „The courage to be dislike” ✔️💯 Here
Especially valuable for leaders
If you want to enrich your English writing style at work, the most valuable from this list are:
North Star
the bigger picture
in the thick of it
track record
inflection point
turning point
seamless
friction
it just works
These are phrases regularly used by CEOs, founders, newsletter writers, and TED/podcast speakers. They sound natural while also elevating your language from “good English” to the language of leaders and strategists.